“Why does every woman know another woman that was raped, but no man knows a rapist?”
Abuse and sexual assault are extremely prevalent across music scenes, and the victim's voices are quieted and overlooked time and time again. No matter where you are, what kind of music you like, or how popular the band is, there is an “incident” or “incidents.” There is “that guy” or “those guys.” But, your friends are never “those guys.” They’re nothing like them. They have sisters and mothers and exes that have been raped. They’re feminists and will listen to you talk about Taylor Swift and will adopt the fun little lingo that you use with your friends. They listen to you talk about your experience and assure you that they’re nothing like that guy who assaulted you. They’ll talk shit about the perpetrator, they’ll say his band sucks, which makes you laugh. Your friends could never be those guys.
Then you learn your friends have a show booked next week, with the same group who violated you, right? Yeah, they remember how he did all those things to you, but they must play this, you understand. It’s not like they’re befriending him just by playing one show together. If you say something, you’re being erratic. They’re just going to ignore him the whole time.
Then, the day of the show comes. They need to greet him and shake hands because they must be cordial. Then the usual explanations that follow: “I’m sorry that it made you uncomfortable” but it wasn’t their intention. They can’t just drop his band from the lineup, “that’s unprofessional”. They need to keep playing shows together. If it makes you so uncomfortable, “why do you come?” Your friends are on your side and they believe you, so don’t be uncomfortable. Maybe you shouldn’t put yourself in these kinds of situations, those guys are the nice guys.
A narrative of rationalizing behaviors that give men the freedom to harm women in the scene is fed to the victim and those around them, and that is what keeps anything from changing.
There’s a quote I often think about, that goes along the lines of “Why does every woman know another woman that was raped, but no man knows a rapist?” I remember hearing it a long time ago, long before I could fathom the concept of rape culture. It wasn’t until recently that I sat down and was struck by this quote again. When I first heard this quote, I was a naive pre-teen scrolling on Tumblr and reading Bell Hooks, thinking I instantly knew everything about the world. I couldn’t think of anyone I knew who experienced such a horrible act- it all felt so distant from me. Innocently, I felt excluded from rape culture. Now, as a young adult, I look at my naivety and optimism with fondness. I did not realize that, even as a 12-year-old, some of my peers and very close friends had been raped and assaulted. I thought, some girls had older boyfriends, sure, but they were not victims. How could I call them that? I did not want my friends to be victims. But they are.
I, like the other women in my life and the women in your life, have constantly been surrounded by rape culture. It’s a strange familiarity that suffocates you like a shirt you’ve shrunk too many times in the wash. After you see one incident clearly, everything else you have experienced and heard about, the once faint echoes of stories, become crystal clear unavoidable screams. It explains the lingering eyes of the family friend your mom tells you to avoid. It explains your childhood best friend's reaction when you reject their kiss one drunken night. It explains the look your date gives you when you don’t want to see what their apartment looks like after knowing each other for 2 hours.
This entitlement fuels rape culture and shames victims for not giving in when they say No, and also shames victims for giving in when they say Yes. The burden of shame victims carry when an assault or rape happens is far heavier than the burden perpetrators carry when they abuse. This power fuels the cycle of abuse.
Out of every 1,000 sexual assaults, 975 perpetrators will walk free, according to RAINN Organization. This is because the majority of cases will go unreported. When a victim is assaulted, their body undergoes a trauma response. The process can vary by person, and each individual has a healing journey they must go through. More often than not, victims struggle with fear that people won’t believe them. Many victims struggle to define the abuse and it may take years to come to terms with what happened. There is no model victim. Not everyone reports the abuse, some victims do not even tell people that it happened due to fear. The shame and distress the victim experiences is planted by the abuse, yet it is the public opinion, inactive bystanders, and an invalidating narrative that allows it to grow.
The shame is fueled when their friend makes an offhand comment about another victim, “Well, she’s crazy anyways, so it’s probably fake.” It’s sustained by other comments the victim hears, which may not even be about their situation- “I know him, and all the people that know him say he’s a nice guy,” “False accusations can ruin someone's life, you know,” “Men can get abused too.” The problem with many of these comments is they are often used as a rebuttal, not a claim, to discredit women when they come forward. (Also, he can be a nice guy all he wants, but I do not know many nice guys with rape allegations).
Research shows that rates of false reporting are commonly inflated, due to inconsistent definitions and protocols, or a minimal understanding of sexual assault. According to the National Sexual Violence Research Center, the currency of false reporting sexual assault is between 2% and 10%, however, many of these “false reports” may also be confused with baseless reports, where “it is determined that the incident does not meet the elements of the crime, but is presumed truthful,” and this may happen for a variety of reasons, including: insufficient evidence, delayed reporting, victims deciding not to cooperate, and inconsistency in victims statements (2012). The rebuttal of false accusations ruining people's lives is harmful and builds on the sense of shame that victims already feel.
Someone coming forward and naming their abuser should not be met with cries of how great of a friend they were to you, or how you think they must be exaggerating and are trying to get revenge by ruining a reputation. The best way you can show support to victims is by believing them and holding their abusers accountable. It means cutting off abusers from the spaces in which they abuse. In the music scene, it’s refusing to play with their band and making it known exactly who these people are. The people who continue to associate with known abusers are apologists and are the reason why many safe spaces are not safe. The apologists can surely name several women that they know that have been raped and they definitely will make it known, because they are champions of modern-day feminism- but, weirdly enough, they do not know a single perpetrator! Well, they do.
The most effective way to make change is to start with yourself first.
Check yourself and your fuckass friends.
https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/Publications_NSVRC_Overview_False-Reporting.pdf